I'm kinda bored with my life.
I have an amazing girlfriend, ,, ,,,,
I feel like that's it.
I want to be talented and successful at something. I play the guitar a lot but all that ever produces is me getting tired of trying to write a song. I play the trumpet, but I can never really get as good as I want. I draw all the time but I'm almost never satisfied with it. I've been hanging two inches from earning eagle scout for what feels like forever and none of my crazy ideas have materialized in anyway. Though I try to be modest, I'm pretty good at a lot of things, but I'm not mind blowing at anything. Everyone's got their one hobby that they're so naturally good at that people explode with amazement over, and sometimes even a few things... but I'm just pretty good at a lot of things that in the end won't really help me with life.
It's rather depressing. Maybe it's because I'm trying too hard. Maybe it's because I try at all. If you've known me not very long at all, you know that I strongly believe that the way to succeed in something you repeatedly find failure in is by not trying. It has this weird way giving the complex mechanics of most tasks to natural instinct. In some cases it's just a funny coincidence if the whole philosophy is an inside joke with your friends. I just don't know any more. I can't even hold my focus for more than a few minutes now.. probably 'cuz it's 1 in the morning. I think I'm gonna go stop trying to play my guitar. or not seem like a douche bag ('cuz I probably do). or do well in school. or finally tie up my boy scout commitments. or find some artistic outlet of emotion. or seem like I know what I'm doing all the time, 'cuz I usually don't. maybe it'll all magically happen once I stop trying. It sounds irrational but I've been noticing the same pattern for a while now. It's hard, not trying. I'm so used to planning things out in my head before they happen, but from that point I'm doomed because then I try to make real what's just an idea. But why would I know how it's going to work out in the end? Maybe it's my image of a good turn out and I don't trust whatever ends up happening to be satisfactory. I don't know. But I'm gonna go stop trying to do things. This is fun it's like walking into a giant pit that I can't see the bottom of and expecting there to be pillows at the end. Let's hope I'm not wrong. Unless you really don't care if there're spikes, that's cool too.
