hmm..

I'm kinda bored with my life.

I have an amazing girlfriend, ,, ,,,,

I feel like that's it.

I want to be talented and successful at something. I play the guitar a lot but all that ever produces is me getting tired of trying to write a song. I play the trumpet, but I can never really get as good as I want. I draw all the time but I'm almost never satisfied with it. I've been hanging two inches from earning eagle scout for what feels like forever and none of my crazy ideas have materialized in anyway. Though I try to be modest, I'm pretty good at a lot of things, but I'm not mind blowing at anything. Everyone's got their one hobby that they're so naturally good at that people explode with amazement over, and sometimes even a few things... but I'm just pretty good at a lot of things that in the end won't really help me with life.

It's rather depressing. Maybe it's because I'm trying too hard. Maybe it's because I try at all. If you've known me not very long at all, you know that I strongly believe that the way to succeed in something you repeatedly find failure in is by not trying. It has this weird way giving the complex mechanics of most tasks to natural instinct. In some cases it's just a funny coincidence if the whole philosophy is an inside joke with your friends. I just don't know any more. I can't even hold my focus for more than a few minutes now.. probably 'cuz it's 1 in the morning. I think I'm gonna go stop trying to play my guitar. or not seem like a douche bag ('cuz I probably do). or do well in school. or finally tie up my boy scout commitments. or find some artistic outlet of emotion. or seem like I know what I'm doing all the time, 'cuz I usually don't. maybe it'll all magically happen once I stop trying. It sounds irrational but I've been noticing the same pattern for a while now. It's hard, not trying. I'm so used to planning things out in my head before they happen, but from that point I'm doomed because then I try to make real what's just an idea. But why would I know how it's going to work out in the end? Maybe it's my image of a good turn out and I don't trust whatever ends up happening to be satisfactory. I don't know. But I'm gonna go stop trying to do things. This is fun it's like walking into a giant pit that I can't see the bottom of and expecting there to be pillows at the end. Let's hope I'm not wrong. Unless you really don't care if there're spikes, that's cool too.

It's way too late for me to be up...

I don't know what else to do. Going to sleep seems illogical.. I'm not tired. My entire system of

thinking has been burned down to nothing. .. except nothing is my new system, though in it's self the whole is to not be a system. I'm scared without it.. and I don't know what to do. It'd be easier just to go back but obviously easiest is almost never right. Judging upon

past patterns I would end up not caring whether or not it's right and just do it because it works.

It feels hollow but hollow feels good. I feel hollow.. and I feel good. The only reason I'd actually end up dropping this habit I've put 5 years of work into is for her... there's always a girl involved..

You make me feel wonderful, satisfied, content, confused, like shit.. and I love it all.

I think our biggest problem was that I can't seem to except that neither of us are

perfect.. which is ironic for all the times I've told you no one's perfect to comfort you..

I'm sure whoever's reading this if any but you.. if I even told you in the morning , that this excessive use of periods seems retarded. well, ....... .. ... -that was meant as a joke. I know it's terribly awful humor, but that's what you do to me, you make my mind marvel. -and for once

my disgusting line of logic isn't present to prevent it to any extent.

I don't like dictionary.com 's definition of love. I like you. I like that no matter what, I know that I'll roll down the hill, and you'll be at the bottom.

I like the way you smile. I like how you treat everyone you meet.

I like that you make me realize things that I never would've thought of. I like that I don't feel in need to figure out how to say something that will grow our relationship. I like that I finally

realize that, and that it was because of you. I like that everything we've been through in an insignificant amount of time forces me to accept imperfection. I like you. maybe I even love you. I like that definition of love, but it's probably biased... but I don't even care.

... I'm tired. weird.

Come run away from the deepest and most hidden roots of life's social expectancies with me. The brochure looks pretty.

So I haven't been on here in forever, but I'm bored so I might as well.

Any way a question popped into my head a moment ago: why are parents so bothersome and specifically in a person's teenage years? I think it's because teenagers have a much larger caliber of maturity, or at least feel like they do, than their parents give them credit for. This being said, think about it, parents love and care for their children for about 12-14 years and then a rapid change in self awareness occurs in the teenager. The way an adult treats their teenager doesn't change as fast as the kid's maturity builds. Of course there's the old acceptance that teens are just troublesome but that's just another lack of respect being given to teenagers because it writes off the value of their emotions as one would with a child crying because they didn't get to eat candy before dinner. That's a subtle way of being very offensive which the parent doesn't understand and the teenager doesn't know how to express. Also, being a teenager involves many trials of getting used to the way your mind functions and sometimes adults expect teenagers to automatically be able to function with the sophistication of an adult. It doesn't work like that but sometimes teenagers feel that they do function with the sophistication of an adult and that their parents are just being stupid. It doesn't work like that either. But if both sides were willing to have leniency with each other and if both sides fully realized the true amount of change and how difficult it is for each other to go through this stressful age of life then I personally believe that a significantly more healthy relationship would arise. But most of the time no one tries thinking from the opposing side of their conflict, and no one finds peace in their home for a long time. But sometimes they do. I sure as hell don't claim to have found peace with my parents, if I tried to tell my dad any of this he'd blow it off and tell me that I'm wrong, let me know what he thinks, and that his opinion is right over mine more than likely. Even if he wouldn't, I don't feel like going through that 3 hour conversation anytime soon. But I know a little bit more about the big picture than I think he does, and because of that I can let a lot more frustration roll off my back. Or at least enough to make it to my 18th birthday and a college dorm that they don't live in. That's good enough for me.

Human Relations

So to make a long complex story of tears and spite short, my friend circle has been really uncomfortable due to a lot of miss-communications. Finally we all got together and for once spilled out every single emotion and explanation in a civil manner and ended the night with one of the tightest groups of people I've ever seen. But everything before tonight was just so twisted and not right, and it was all due to lack of communication and that not many were comfortable with expressing everything they truly felt. And once everyone got out all their home issues and problems with each other, I realized that at least those people were all really the same inside; full of good intentions, caring, loving, and for most, feeling under appreciated. Obviously not everyone in the world is good at the very base of things but I think that there's a lot more purity in humanity than most people see, or at least than what I've been seeing lately. I've felt so apathetic and psychotic up until today, it was my way of not going insane with anger, but I guess I just went insane with apathy instead. I kind of liked it actually, it was pretty fun, but having my friends be my second family again seems a lot more enjoyable. But like I said before, there's more good in the world than we see, and if opinions and open-ness were accepted and respected more, we'd all live in a better place. And if you're one of my friends who was part of it all reading this, I want you to know that I love you sincerely, and I'm so glad that I met you in what ever crazy way I did, because I wouldn't be the same without you.

Why steal a dollar?

So today I was selling cinnamon buns at church for a fundraiser with someone else from the youth group. No one was looking and she says "I think I'm gonna steal one." word for word. I tried to tell her that she was stealing from her own group but she just said "Who cares?" I mean really, it was just a dollar but the morals are screwed up there. She had absolutely no remorse about it and told me to leave her alone, which I did. Is she doing it just for the thrill and rebellion or even to look cool (which I just don't get when people think stealing is cool), or does she honestly want a cinnamon bun that bad and didn't have a dollar on her? Seriously, what's the point in not paying a dollar? It makes you realize that some (and by some I mean a lot of) people enjoy doing something more when it's wrong. Is it because they don't want to feel controlled? More like they already feel controlled. That just leads to the fact that most people are uncomfortable when they can't control something, because they can't work their will or have their way.

Control