To all my friends,

My previous post was written in anger and pain. The issues I presented have all been come to an agreed solution with her and I do not feel nearly as "fuck you" about her. In the mean time, we still have topics to discuss and I don't want to state any conclusions we may have or might come to. I am telling you this so that you're not left with the impression of my former hate, and so that maybe hanging out later today might not be so awkward.

Thank you to those who have offered their support and love. It came from the least of those I'd expect it to, and my heart has been warmed because of it.

hmm..

I'm kinda bored with my life.

I have an amazing girlfriend, ,, ,,,,

I feel like that's it.

I want to be talented and successful at something. I play the guitar a lot but all that ever produces is me getting tired of trying to write a song. I play the trumpet, but I can never really get as good as I want. I draw all the time but I'm almost never satisfied with it. I've been hanging two inches from earning eagle scout for what feels like forever and none of my crazy ideas have materialized in anyway. Though I try to be modest, I'm pretty good at a lot of things, but I'm not mind blowing at anything. Everyone's got their one hobby that they're so naturally good at that people explode with amazement over, and sometimes even a few things... but I'm just pretty good at a lot of things that in the end won't really help me with life.

It's rather depressing. Maybe it's because I'm trying too hard. Maybe it's because I try at all. If you've known me not very long at all, you know that I strongly believe that the way to succeed in something you repeatedly find failure in is by not trying. It has this weird way giving the complex mechanics of most tasks to natural instinct. In some cases it's just a funny coincidence if the whole philosophy is an inside joke with your friends. I just don't know any more. I can't even hold my focus for more than a few minutes now.. probably 'cuz it's 1 in the morning. I think I'm gonna go stop trying to play my guitar. or not seem like a douche bag ('cuz I probably do). or do well in school. or finally tie up my boy scout commitments. or find some artistic outlet of emotion. or seem like I know what I'm doing all the time, 'cuz I usually don't. maybe it'll all magically happen once I stop trying. It sounds irrational but I've been noticing the same pattern for a while now. It's hard, not trying. I'm so used to planning things out in my head before they happen, but from that point I'm doomed because then I try to make real what's just an idea. But why would I know how it's going to work out in the end? Maybe it's my image of a good turn out and I don't trust whatever ends up happening to be satisfactory. I don't know. But I'm gonna go stop trying to do things. This is fun it's like walking into a giant pit that I can't see the bottom of and expecting there to be pillows at the end. Let's hope I'm not wrong. Unless you really don't care if there're spikes, that's cool too.

It's way too late for me to be up...

I don't know what else to do. Going to sleep seems illogical.. I'm not tired. My entire system of

thinking has been burned down to nothing. .. except nothing is my new system, though in it's self the whole is to not be a system. I'm scared without it.. and I don't know what to do. It'd be easier just to go back but obviously easiest is almost never right. Judging upon

past patterns I would end up not caring whether or not it's right and just do it because it works.

It feels hollow but hollow feels good. I feel hollow.. and I feel good. The only reason I'd actually end up dropping this habit I've put 5 years of work into is for her... there's always a girl involved..

You make me feel wonderful, satisfied, content, confused, like shit.. and I love it all.

I think our biggest problem was that I can't seem to except that neither of us are

perfect.. which is ironic for all the times I've told you no one's perfect to comfort you..

I'm sure whoever's reading this if any but you.. if I even told you in the morning , that this excessive use of periods seems retarded. well, ....... .. ... -that was meant as a joke. I know it's terribly awful humor, but that's what you do to me, you make my mind marvel. -and for once

my disgusting line of logic isn't present to prevent it to any extent.

I don't like dictionary.com 's definition of love. I like you. I like that no matter what, I know that I'll roll down the hill, and you'll be at the bottom.

I like the way you smile. I like how you treat everyone you meet.

I like that you make me realize things that I never would've thought of. I like that I don't feel in need to figure out how to say something that will grow our relationship. I like that I finally

realize that, and that it was because of you. I like that everything we've been through in an insignificant amount of time forces me to accept imperfection. I like you. maybe I even love you. I like that definition of love, but it's probably biased... but I don't even care.

... I'm tired. weird.

Come run away from the deepest and most hidden roots of life's social expectancies with me. The brochure looks pretty.